embarking on a journey

I’ve never had inai on my hands in all my years of existence, until today. And I hate the end result. But I tell myself not to sweat over these things. In 12 hours’ time, I’ll be embarking on a journey with my best friend, my soulmate, my love. And THAT is something to look forward to.

May the next 2 days run smoothly for us and our families
May our union receive HIS blessings
And may our marriage kekal hingga ke syurga
Amin ya rabbal alamin

ramblings – end

I rambled quite a bit didn’t i? I suppose back then I was bitter cos I was still without a proper job after months of searching. I’m pretty amazed at how some of the things I’ve said then reflect exactly how i'm feeling now. Like my sentiments on marriage, and how mine would be like. Apart from the white fluffy wedding dress (which is so yesterday), all my other thoughts and dreams on that subject remain the same. And I’m praying they’ll come true..insyaAllah.

That girl seven years ago cant wait for life to grab her by the shoulders and sweep her off. She was disappointed and bitter that things back then didn’t go as planned. Throughout those seven years, she has experienced love, heartache, hopelessness, success, recognition, wild adventure, depression, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

Seven years on, this same girl has a renewed sense of confidence, and an assured sense of self. I like this new her, and I wish her all the best.

ramblings of an unwilling bummer 2

My 2 good friends are getting married on my birthday, and I feel terrible. Yup, I feel terrible. And if I feel terrible, does that make me a bad friend?

It’s just that I cant believe that 2 of my friends, and of course they’re both as old as me, are getting married. I mean, aren’t we a bit too young to be getting married? They’re only 22 now, 23 when they get married. Can you imagine the tones of things that one can do at that age? To give up your freedom just when one is given freedom is unthinkable to me. There I was, being under my parents’ care for at least 18 years. Then, when I reach 18, they began to realize that hey! I am big enough and mature enough to take care of myself. So then I was given freedom, albeit a bit only. Then when I’ve finally completed school, I gain another kind of freedom – the freedom to spend my money on whatever I want. I now have financial independence. It’s time to enjoy life man! It’s time to have fun! But it’s definitely not time to settle down and get married.

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. At least that’s what my parents always say. And my religion sees marriage as something of an institution. It is the responsibility of those in my religion to get ourselves marred and propagate. The main aim here is to populate the world, an to keep it populated. And sure that sounds heavy, but I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to the whole idea of getting married, and staying married for the rest of my life. But the thing is, I don’t want to get married when I’m 23. No way hosay!

Yah, don’t mistake me. I’ve been dreaming about getting married all my life. I dream about meeting that perfect man, of wearing the white, fluffy wedding dress. I dream of all these.

But I not only dream of getting married, but also of being married I dream about the kind of married life I would have. I dream of waking up every morning with the man I love by my side. I dream of having someone for me to hold and hug. I dream of us having fun together, and helping each other out when we’re in trouble. I dream of having kids of our own I dream of nurturing my kids with my husband, and of both of us having our hands full dealing with our kids. I dream of the time when I can sit back with my husband and reminisce over old times.

As I grow older, I think of other aspects of married life. I dream of the freedom I would have once I’m married to touch my husband anytime I want to. I dream of the time when I would lose my virginity. I dream of having sex. I dream of the tenderness and the love that I have so much to give, and the tenderness and love that I will receive.

I dream.

Of course I know that life is no bed of tulips. My marriage I’m pretty sure will not be smooth-sailing throughout. I know there will be hiccups along the way. I would probably get mself into terrible fights with my husband. And when that happens, we might not even speak for days. But I know that my marriage will work. I just know it! The question of divorce has never been on my mind, even though I know the divorce rate for my community is the highest here. I know that a lot of my friends, especially the more liberal ones, do not believe in the institution of marriage. What’s the point of getting married, they reasoned, when one is only going to end up in divorce anyway?

Well, that’s them. Me, I’ve never thought about it. I’m surrounded by happy couples, by happy close-knit families. And that is why I’m not afraid of marriage. Why I’m looking forward to it. But that still doesn’t make me feel less terrible abut the prospect of my 2 friends getting married.

It’s not that I’m not happy for my two friends. I am. But I still feel terrible when I know that they’re getting married on my birthday. Why must they get married on my birthday? Why MY birthday? As if I’m not feeling miserable enough. Oh I know. I know what people would say. Hellooo dear little missy….does the world revolve around you??? Yes I know. Of course the world does not revolve around me. And of course my 2 friends have perfectly good reasons why they want to be married on that day. Like the fact that my birthday falls on a Sunday next year. And the fact that the weekend of my birthday happens to be the first weekend of the school holidays. But I still feel terrible.

Why do I feel terrible? Hellooo. Isn’t it obvious enough?? I feel terrible because I am jealous. Yes jealous. Jealous that each of my 2 friends has someone who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with her, while I don’t. jealous that they have someone who cherishes and loves them, while I don’t. jealous that they’re going ahead in their journey of life with someone by their side, while I trudge alone. Yes, jealous. Plain and simple I’m JEALOUS!

Oh please. Why do I want to be jealous of my friends? They are my friends after all aren’t they? I’m supposed to be happy for them. And I am happy for them. Really I am. I’ll only be wishing the best for them, and I sincerely hope that they’ll be happy always. But I still feel terrible. Terrible because I know that while there are people out there being happy, I am but one pathetic sad creature. I’m happy for them, true, but I definitely am not happy myself.

I guess the fact that the weddings will be held on my birthday sort of rubs the salt into my already open wound. I know that I’d be feeling miserable that day. Turning a year older is never a happy occasion. One has to deal with the all-important question: what have I done this past year? Or the more important question: what have I been doing with my life all these years? These are definitely tough questions. And the thing is, not only are the questions tough, they have pretty unpalatable answers as well. I hate thinking about my life. There’s really nothing much I can say about it. Given the chance to assess myself on my very own report card, I would say that I’m a flop. Really.

Ok ok. Some of you would probably be exasperated with me. Ok fine. I do admit that academically-speaking, I’m doing ok. I do have that elusive bachelor degree in hand, but then again, what good is the degree anyway? Am I employed? NO! So there!

ramblings of an unwilling bummer

I am a fresh graduate. Yes, fresh. Right out of the woods, or in this case, the mass of buildings way yonder at the ridge (kent ridge actually..hehhee). But sometimes I wonder whether I should use the word ‘fresh’ to describe myself. After all, I’m not exactly fresh right? I have officially been out of school for 6 months. Now, we wouldn’t call that fresh would we?

But come to think of it, I wouldn’t want to think of myself as ‘stale’ either. Hmm…’stale’…that word somehow gives me such negative vibes. I think the most appropriate word to use here would be a combination of those 2 words. So, I guess I’m what you people call (or at least what I would personally call) a ‘freshly-stale’ graduate.

I’ve never thought I would be unemployed, but well…here I am, an unwilling bummer. I cringe everytime I hear the label ‘bummer’ being given to me. But hey! I’m not a bummer by choice ok. It’s not as if I’m not doing anything right now. I’m on an all-out search for a permanent job.

It’s kind of funny when I talk about my situation on the net. Way back when I first started chatting, I always introduce myself as someone who’s still schooling, and somehow, that kind of gave me an existence. You know how people always start their conversations with mundane lines. Here’s a sampling of the kind of chats I get myself into..

Guy : hello
Me : hallo
Guy : intro
Me : for wat?
Guy : so that we can know each other better
(or)
for fun
(or)
I want to at least have an idea who I’m chatting with (I like this line by the way)
(or)
guy : ok ok…I’ll start first (which is the best way to start. After all, it’s the gentlemanly way of doing things)
guy : 26/m…..u?
me : oh….me 22f
guy : ohh….work?
me : nope
guy : school where?
Me : nope…not skooling
Guy : then wat? Housewife ah?

Don’t you think that’s bloody irritating? People are either schooling or working, and if not, they’re being the good housewife – staying at home obediently and looking after the house and the kids.

Chatting now is always exciting cos I love to see how the people I chat with react to my answers. I’m a very truthful person (though god knows why I want to be truthful on the net. Everybody else lies I bet..but noo…not me. I’m very naïve hah?) Anyway, since I’m so truthful and all, I cant help but tell them the truth about myself. So way back when I was still an undergrad, I tell people that I’m still studying. And if they were to ask for details, I’ll give it to them, and I’ll always have instant reactions after making that disclosure. Either they’d still be interested to talk to me (prolly cos they feel that they’re on ‘par’ with me.them being undergrads or equivalent), or they’d drop me instantly like a hot potato (reasoning out that they don’t like talking to intelligent girls).

Anyway, now that I’ve graduated and all, I cannot possibly say that I’m still schooling can i? so I usually say I’m a bummer. And whoa! The responses I get are all good! These guys would immediately feel that they’re better than me (not consciously of course), and thus would begin a conversation in which they would be advising me on what to do and all. At the end of it all I always get their contact numbers (I didn’t ask for it!). Somehow being a bummer upped my attraction yah….hehhe!

ramblings – start

my room’s been turned upside down and now it’s in a dreadful mess. I’ve been clearing my cupboard of manymany things, and I’m amazed at how cold I’ve become, the way I’ve been throwing away my things. But one has to be cold if one wants to have some control over the things one owns, right? We own our things yah…not the other way round. So yes…into the bin they go!

Chanced upon my scribblings done on scraps of paper. I’m amazed I still have them, yet thankful that I have them still. They remind me of the person I was back then, and how different she is from the person I am today. Or am I still the same? These scribblings were done in the later part of 1999, when I had too much time in my hands temping around while waiting for that elusive first job.

I need a break from the wedding madness, so I’ll be spending the next few minutes/hours typing these scribblings down just so I could capture them for posterity. Happy reading!

triumph

its 1216 in the morning and i'm still at the office. yupyup. i've got tons of work to do, and i've got only 1 more day left to clear it before i go on leave. which leaves me with not much time. i have a sinking feeling that i'll have to drop in the office occasionally to complete them. thing is, even when i'm done with them, there's still the follow-up to do. bleah.

there was some sandiwara over my preps last weekend. i dont seem to have any say over what i want or dont want. i've decided to just go ahead with what they want. i'm disappointed with them...yes. but i also know that i shd not sweat over these things. ah well.

on a good note....we got the triumph bonneville last week! i'm no biker chick, but i couldnt stop grinning everytime i'm on it. now we're stuck with the happy problem of deciding between the bonneville and the swift everytime we need to zip around...hehhe.

ok gotta go!