ramblings of an unwilling bummer 2

My 2 good friends are getting married on my birthday, and I feel terrible. Yup, I feel terrible. And if I feel terrible, does that make me a bad friend?

It’s just that I cant believe that 2 of my friends, and of course they’re both as old as me, are getting married. I mean, aren’t we a bit too young to be getting married? They’re only 22 now, 23 when they get married. Can you imagine the tones of things that one can do at that age? To give up your freedom just when one is given freedom is unthinkable to me. There I was, being under my parents’ care for at least 18 years. Then, when I reach 18, they began to realize that hey! I am big enough and mature enough to take care of myself. So then I was given freedom, albeit a bit only. Then when I’ve finally completed school, I gain another kind of freedom – the freedom to spend my money on whatever I want. I now have financial independence. It’s time to enjoy life man! It’s time to have fun! But it’s definitely not time to settle down and get married.

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. At least that’s what my parents always say. And my religion sees marriage as something of an institution. It is the responsibility of those in my religion to get ourselves marred and propagate. The main aim here is to populate the world, an to keep it populated. And sure that sounds heavy, but I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to the whole idea of getting married, and staying married for the rest of my life. But the thing is, I don’t want to get married when I’m 23. No way hosay!

Yah, don’t mistake me. I’ve been dreaming about getting married all my life. I dream about meeting that perfect man, of wearing the white, fluffy wedding dress. I dream of all these.

But I not only dream of getting married, but also of being married I dream about the kind of married life I would have. I dream of waking up every morning with the man I love by my side. I dream of having someone for me to hold and hug. I dream of us having fun together, and helping each other out when we’re in trouble. I dream of having kids of our own I dream of nurturing my kids with my husband, and of both of us having our hands full dealing with our kids. I dream of the time when I can sit back with my husband and reminisce over old times.

As I grow older, I think of other aspects of married life. I dream of the freedom I would have once I’m married to touch my husband anytime I want to. I dream of the time when I would lose my virginity. I dream of having sex. I dream of the tenderness and the love that I have so much to give, and the tenderness and love that I will receive.

I dream.

Of course I know that life is no bed of tulips. My marriage I’m pretty sure will not be smooth-sailing throughout. I know there will be hiccups along the way. I would probably get mself into terrible fights with my husband. And when that happens, we might not even speak for days. But I know that my marriage will work. I just know it! The question of divorce has never been on my mind, even though I know the divorce rate for my community is the highest here. I know that a lot of my friends, especially the more liberal ones, do not believe in the institution of marriage. What’s the point of getting married, they reasoned, when one is only going to end up in divorce anyway?

Well, that’s them. Me, I’ve never thought about it. I’m surrounded by happy couples, by happy close-knit families. And that is why I’m not afraid of marriage. Why I’m looking forward to it. But that still doesn’t make me feel less terrible abut the prospect of my 2 friends getting married.

It’s not that I’m not happy for my two friends. I am. But I still feel terrible when I know that they’re getting married on my birthday. Why must they get married on my birthday? Why MY birthday? As if I’m not feeling miserable enough. Oh I know. I know what people would say. Hellooo dear little missy….does the world revolve around you??? Yes I know. Of course the world does not revolve around me. And of course my 2 friends have perfectly good reasons why they want to be married on that day. Like the fact that my birthday falls on a Sunday next year. And the fact that the weekend of my birthday happens to be the first weekend of the school holidays. But I still feel terrible.

Why do I feel terrible? Hellooo. Isn’t it obvious enough?? I feel terrible because I am jealous. Yes jealous. Jealous that each of my 2 friends has someone who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with her, while I don’t. jealous that they have someone who cherishes and loves them, while I don’t. jealous that they’re going ahead in their journey of life with someone by their side, while I trudge alone. Yes, jealous. Plain and simple I’m JEALOUS!

Oh please. Why do I want to be jealous of my friends? They are my friends after all aren’t they? I’m supposed to be happy for them. And I am happy for them. Really I am. I’ll only be wishing the best for them, and I sincerely hope that they’ll be happy always. But I still feel terrible. Terrible because I know that while there are people out there being happy, I am but one pathetic sad creature. I’m happy for them, true, but I definitely am not happy myself.

I guess the fact that the weddings will be held on my birthday sort of rubs the salt into my already open wound. I know that I’d be feeling miserable that day. Turning a year older is never a happy occasion. One has to deal with the all-important question: what have I done this past year? Or the more important question: what have I been doing with my life all these years? These are definitely tough questions. And the thing is, not only are the questions tough, they have pretty unpalatable answers as well. I hate thinking about my life. There’s really nothing much I can say about it. Given the chance to assess myself on my very own report card, I would say that I’m a flop. Really.

Ok ok. Some of you would probably be exasperated with me. Ok fine. I do admit that academically-speaking, I’m doing ok. I do have that elusive bachelor degree in hand, but then again, what good is the degree anyway? Am I employed? NO! So there!