loss

There’s the double-bill wedding and the kl trip that I’ve yet to talk about. And my befday treat. And our bid to purchase our first home. But all these will have to wait.

My mother-in-law passed away last Sunday evening. And my grandfather followed suit in the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Probably to join my grandmother, who passed away 2 months ago.

I think of all the lost opportunities to do good to my grandparents, and I cry. Have I made their lives comfortable these last few years? Have I made them happy? It’s too late now to learn from nyai how to make her famous minyak urat. And will I ever get the chance to taste su’un daging masak kicap as wonderful as hers? Or her rendang daging, which she’d faithfully cook for us everytime we get together, even when she wasn’t feeling well? Atok is forever reminding us to stay united together, that blood is thicker than water, and that no matter what the problems are, we’ll be able to overcome them if we stay together. Will this legacy of his remain now that he’s gone?

I think of my late mother-in-law, and I cry. I was slowly getting closer to her, but 6 months was too short a time for me. Have I made her happy, or did I disappoint her in any way? How do I be a good daughter-in-law, when there’s no parent-in-law to be good to? I wish I had told her earlier that I’m forever thankful to her, for bringing up a son as wonderful as him. I wish I could tell her that I’ll be good to her son.

I wish I could have shown my kids to her, and to atok and nyai.

But these are wishful thinking. They’re gone now, as He had wanted. It breaks my heart, but all things must come to an end, and I am redha. We’re all redha.

Semoga roh atok, nyai dan mak dicucuri rahmat sentiasa, insyaAllah.