riled up | crossroads

6 years ago, my RO told me that i need to be more diplomatic, more cool, in my dealings with 'the other side'. and i agreed with him totally. i got riled up quite easily, and when i'm angry/irritated/frustrated, it showed.

fast forward to today...i realised i've still not gained mastery over my emotions. i'd inadvertently raised my voice to my colleague, and now i feel shitty. i'd apologised to her, but still i feel bad.

the problem with me is that i have no patience for rigidity, and stupidity. in my line of work, things are seldom black or white. often, you'll find yourself in situations that are grey. so you must know how to manage this without putting yourself in a quandary. and if you insist on having a clearcut black or white answer to the situation you're in, then you're just being rigid. this was exactly the reasoning i was trying to put forth to her, when she was demanding a black or white answer. but i guess my emotions got the better of me, and i flared.

my other colleague totally see my point. but i must learn to be tolerant, she said. and yups, i totally agree with her on that!

someone else was telling me that the higher you get in the organisation, the more you must learn to let go. i was sharing with him about how i missed the good old days, when i was really in the thick of things, negotiating for real tangible things that would really have an effect to the people i serve. and how, given the chance, i would want to go back to doing just that. but he pointed out that there will always be the new ones who can fill that role, and that where i am now is just as important, if not more important, cos i'm the one setting out the directions and providing the tools for them to do the work. so if i want to move higher in the organisation, i must be prepared to do more macro work and leave the rough and tumble ground work to others.

which leads me to think- do i really want to leave all these ground work behind? granted i am ambitious, so moving up the ladder is obviously in my plans. but do i do that at the expense of my passion? and can i really do that, seeing as to how easily i flew off the handle with my colleague over something i should not have gotten all worked up about?

you come to a point in your career when you think - should i leave now? i came to that point last year. i so desperately wanted to leave my job, because it grew to be boring and meaningless. but then i was given the lifeline when i was posted out to another dept, and i got motivated again. the last few weeks have been challenging though. so many of my peers are leaving. which leads me to thinking - what on earth am i still doing here? but yah, there are a lot of opportunities for me here to grow, and of cos being the only one bringing home the bacon (so to speak) right now makes it just a little tad harder for me to leave. so i think i'm staying put...for now.

hmmm this has veered way off. i still feel bad abt just now. she's a really nice girl, just that she's too straight sometimes, if you know what i mean. i must be nice, and tolerant. i must stop being so mean :P